...may cause the following Side Effects

Don't you just HATE those prescription drug commercials?
I cannot even bear to watch them.
The side effects are often just as bad as the symptoms
they are trying to correct.
For example:

Xanax:

Xanax is used to treat anxiety and panic disorders.
Side effects may include:

Anxiety -
Depression -
Confusion -
Umm...isn't this what the drug is supposed to cure?

Nausea -
Vomiting -
Diarrhea -
Increased or stomach pain -
I gotta tell ya...out of all the maladies that affect my humble
body, the four 'side effects' listed above are probably about
the worse things that could happen.
Vomiting is probably my least favored activity of all time, with
good old-fashioned nausea coming a close second.

Trouble urinating -
Don't mess with my plumbing.

Impaired coordination -
Irritability -
Memory impairment -
Dizziness -
Lightheadedness -
So...I need assistance in acquiring these attributes??

Abnormal involuntary movements -
Muscle twitching -
There goes my Tai Chai.
************
Lipitor:

Lipitor lowers cholesterol in your blood
Side effects may include:

Constipation -
Diarrhea -
Gas -
Stomach pain -
Upset stomach -
See above.
************
Nexium:

Nexium is used to treat several acid-related problems.
Side effects may include:

Nausea-
Abdominal pain -
Constipation -
Diarrhea -
Nuff said already.

Flatulence -
This may not actually be a problem if I am alone (or if I desire
to BE alone).
************
Ambien:

Ambien is used for the short-term treatment of insomnia.
Side effects may include:

Dizziness -
Drowsiness -
Drugged feeling -
I think that is point of the drug, n'est-ce pas?
************
Percocet:

Percocet is a narcotic pain reliever
Side effects may include:

Nausea -
Stomach pain -
Vomiting -
Upset stomach -
Constipation -
Yada yada yada...

Confusion -
Unusual thoughts or behavior -
Seizure (convulsions) -
I wish I could come up with some clever comments here...
************
Now what we really need is a drug with beneficial results.
If only we had something like that:

Warning! Using this mystical drug may cause the following side
effects!

Stabilization of the body at an exact optimum weight -
Peaceful restful sleep -
Reduction in the swelling of nasal passages -
Sudden and prolonged increase in mental capacity -

May also cause:

Twenty dollar bills to appear in random pockets -
Confidence and charisma to exude from you -

We dream.

Peace be with you.