Thursday, January 21, 2010

Understanding Buzzwords

I am so glad that I am currently employed. My job may not be
perfect...probably none are...and I do sometimes complain about
different things...but I really should be...and I am...extremely
thankful that I am working.

I am very lucky to have a job for many reasons, not the least of
them being that I am getting older, and probably would not
qualify for many of the 'techie' jobs that are open today.

I look at some of the job descriptions and required
qualifications that are advertised these days, and sheesh! I
can't even tell what they are looking for! Now, I am not
college-educated, and I concede that I am not the sharpest tool
in the shed, but you can't help but be a little intimidated by
the wording they use:

...leveraging agile methods to deliver high quality application
code/functionality in a 24x7 mission critical environment.

...cultivates team dynamics that drives toward the collective
goals of the team and the success of the company.

Who writes this stuff? What must the job interview be like?

Interviewer: Do you have the ability to clearly articulate
complex situations and effectively influence colleagues?

Applicant: Um, yes, I can explain to my co-workers what I want

Interviewer: Can you establish the stewardship for technology
governance and architecture process and control procedures?

Applicant: Yeah, I think I can figure out who is supposed to be
doing what in their jobs.

Interviewer: ...leaning forward in his chair:
Yes, but are you able to efficiently integrate the various
components that our products are comprised of in a manner
conducive to optimal dispensal?

Applicant: If you are asking me if I know how to stir the
mustard, then the answer is Yes.

Interviewer: That may be well and good, but answer me this:
Have you the necessary disposition to endure extended hours
in a calorically active environment, while ingesting gaseous
residue from chemically altered protein modules???

Applicant: Uh, yeah, Beavis, I think I can flip the burgers.

Applicant goes on:

But regarding the monetary compensation...Has this
establishment been made aware of the financial obligations
to reward the labors of its participants? Is the logistical
support of Management sufficient to ensure a consistent
implementation of tenure, or in absence of this, has a redundancy
procedure been deployed?

Interviewer is silent...this was not in his notes.

Applicant feels pity, saying: "Dude, it's ok. I am just asking
what the pay is and do we have unemployment insurance!"

May the inner feeling of satisfaction, comfort, safety, and
well-being be bestowed upon your soul by the Lord.

(In other words, Peace be with you).


  1. Great post. It reminded me of a time I was interviewed. Same "school of higher learning" person who used loooooong words to show his "intelligence," when in fact that is ALL he new.

  2. Haha!!! I love this post. When I managed a salon I had a managerial workshop I attended. Most of it was pencil pushers speaking like this to us. Describing how we were to function in our salons. Ridiculous. Is society this litigious? That we resort to jargon??? ugh

  3. Joe this is great ... so funny and so true!!

  4. And Joe, my daughter Jennifer who is currently looking for a job absolutely loved this post and said "I like this guy!"

  5. Damn, thank god I wasn't at the applicant's place! I couldn't get the sentences and had to read them four-five times each! :P

    Great post; sometimes the questions asked during interviews don't make any sense at all!

  6. LOL, is it weird that I understood all that? Or at least the horror part? Reminds me of the politically correct book of fairy tales I read years and years ago.

    Stop by my blog when you get a free moment, I have something for you =)

  7. Brilliant!!!! I completely understand where you are coming from found that it's easier to just nod my head a few times and walk away when they are momentarily distracted...

  8. I am so thankful for all your kind comments. As Kristy puts it, ya'll are quite a talented tribe!