Understanding Buzzwords

I am so glad that I am currently employed. My job may not be
perfect...probably none are...and I do sometimes complain about
different things...but I really should be...and I am...extremely
thankful that I am working.

I am very lucky to have a job for many reasons, not the least of
them being that I am getting older, and probably would not
qualify for many of the 'techie' jobs that are open today.

I look at some of the job descriptions and required
qualifications that are advertised these days, and sheesh! I
can't even tell what they are looking for! Now, I am not
college-educated, and I concede that I am not the sharpest tool
in the shed, but you can't help but be a little intimidated by
the wording they use:

...leveraging agile methods to deliver high quality application
code/functionality in a 24x7 mission critical environment.

...cultivates team dynamics that drives toward the collective
goals of the team and the success of the company.

Who writes this stuff? What must the job interview be like?

Interviewer: Do you have the ability to clearly articulate
complex situations and effectively influence colleagues?

Applicant: Um, yes, I can explain to my co-workers what I want
done.

Interviewer: Can you establish the stewardship for technology
governance and architecture process and control procedures?

Applicant: Yeah, I think I can figure out who is supposed to be
doing what in their jobs.

Interviewer: ...leaning forward in his chair:
Yes, but are you able to efficiently integrate the various
components that our products are comprised of in a manner
conducive to optimal dispensal?

Applicant: If you are asking me if I know how to stir the
mustard, then the answer is Yes.

Interviewer: That may be well and good, but answer me this:
Have you the necessary disposition to endure extended hours
in a calorically active environment, while ingesting gaseous
residue from chemically altered protein modules???

Applicant: Uh, yeah, Beavis, I think I can flip the burgers.

Applicant goes on:

But regarding the monetary compensation...Has this
establishment been made aware of the financial obligations
to reward the labors of its participants? Is the logistical
support of Management sufficient to ensure a consistent
implementation of tenure, or in absence of this, has a redundancy
procedure been deployed?

Interviewer is silent...this was not in his notes.

Applicant feels pity, saying: "Dude, it's ok. I am just asking
what the pay is and do we have unemployment insurance!"

May the inner feeling of satisfaction, comfort, safety, and
well-being be bestowed upon your soul by the Lord.

(In other words, Peace be with you).